Mama, this conversation isn’t easy to have, but this is one other part of life you need to let be easy – YOU. 😉
I know I’ve got into a terrible habit of blocking my own joy, pleasure, ecstasy…. Have you? Are you in a habit of creating barriers between you and your spouse? Do you suddenly “have a headache” when any opportunity for intimacy arises? Or am I totally alone on this one…??
o become so vulnerable with your partner and let them exchange energy with you in such an intense way is powerful. But what happens when your mind and body are against you here? What do we do when intimacy becomes a chore or feels like a burden?
What do you do when that spark in your marriage has fizzled? You light that candle yourself. Sometimes healing happens when we realize we’re the ones extinguishing the flames of our own happiness. You’re responsible for your own self, friend.
24: Finding Encouragement to Show Up Fully When Your Marriage is in a Rough Patch with Emily Grace Miller
Motherhood can be hard enough – when you throw in dealing with depression and a rocky marriage, it can feel near impossible to make the right choices and show up fully for your kids, let alone yourself.
Let’s Get Jiggy With It
Transcribed with Descripted: Listen to the audio here.
Hey mama. Today on our episode of Meant To Bloom, I want to get very serious with you and have a conversation about how we gotta stop blocking our joy. I’ve done this so many times in so many areas of my life. Joy is right there. It’s waiting for you. What I have realized in this whole mental health journey of mine, all of my personal growth and healing that I’ve done over the last couple of years, nothing in my life needed to change in order for me to be happy.
It was me. I had to tear down the walls that I put up that blocked joy out on the outside, I blocked so much joy because I was numbing myself. I didn’t wanna feel the negative feelings. I didn’t wanna feel the sadness. I didn’t wanna feel scared. But when I built up that wall, I was all alone on the inside and it made me feel anxious and scared anyway, but the joy was absent because it was, it was locked out.
We have to stop locking our. We have to pay attention to the small, beautiful things we have to get grateful.
And I wanna talk specifically today about one area of my life that I still find myself trying to block myself from joy. And I’m talking about legitimately just being a cock block to myself, yes, today we’re talking about. Sex, and I wanna talk about it because it’s so uncomfortable to talk about.
And the reason it’s uncomfortable is because we don’t talk about it enough, right? There’s a lot of podcasts out there, great ones that primarily focus on talking about sex. And here I am telling you how to be a happy mom. Most of you married, you can’t really be a happy mom if your marriage is struggling and your marriage can’t be really healthy if you’re not.
Getting it on on a regular basis, and I’m not talking, it has to be super often, but I mean a regular, more than just on birthdays and Christmas. Right. I feel I can only speak from personal experience. Okay. Cause I’m not a sexpert, I don’t, I don’t know all the details and things, but I know personal experience is that.
When we are not being physically intimate in my relationship, we start to come up with all sorts of things in our marriage that are wrong. Like we start to see problems where there are no problems, and it’s simply because we have not physically connected in a long time. And sometimes we’re not physically connecting because we’re not emotionally connecting.
We’re just getting tired and going to bed instead of actually like looking each other in the eyes and having a conversation about feelings. So sometimes it’s one that causes the other and sometimes it’s the other way. It doesn’t really matter how it goes. What matters is that we get intentional and get real.
How often as the woman in your relationship, are you coming up with an excuse to not have sex? How often are you claiming your headache is too bad for sex, when really you. For a fact, it’s not that bad of a headache. How often do we create a headache so that we don’t have to have sex? And it’s insane.
It’s insane that we try not to have sex as married women. They’re, I don’t know, it’s dumb. Uh, but you know, I’m, I’m guilty of the same thing, so yeah. I’m not calling you dumb. I’m dumb. We’re not dumb. We can’t talk about ourselves like that. Be a good person, be a good friend to yourself. We don’t call ourselves dumb.
We don’t do that. I just did, but we don’t. We’re dead. Join the line. Okay? But how often I wanna know because I. I feel like I’m all alone in this situation sometimes, so that’s why I’m putting this out there, having the conversation so that if you find this relatable, you know you were not alone. Okay?
There are times where I will come up with a headache, times where I will claim my stomach bothers me too much times where I’m just too tired and I don’t understand why I do it, because I enjoy sex with my husband. I do. It’s, it’s really good anytime it happens. So it just really makes me question why in the world do I not want it every single night?
And I think that there’s some other women out there who can agree with me and can relate to that. The sex is good, but we still cock block ourselves. We’re literally blocking so much ecstasy, blocking an orgasm because why? Because we are ashamed. I feel shaky and nervous recording this podcast, and it’s silly that I do feel ashamed of having this conversation that is some kind of purity culture, toxic society type conditioning that makes me feel this way because.
Like I am. I’m a married woman. I’m supposed to be having sex. That’s how I became a mom. That’s kind of like the calling of all humanities be fruitful and multiply. And yet here I am like feeling like throwing up, speaking these words out loud. So why do we feel that way? , why do we block it? I think some of the antidote to this, to stop this whole shame spiral is to simply talk about it.
And you don’t have to come out here on the internet and talk. You don’t have to give podcasts to start talking about it, talk about it with your husband. I am so uncomfortable talking about sex with my husband, and that is really silly because like we have sex, but I’m uncomfortable talking about it with.
Who is with me? You’re not alone. I don’t understand everything about the human brain , because this is one thing I don’t understand. All right. And I can’t figure out why I make excuses that I do. I can’t figure out why I’m trying to block my own joy. I feel like it must come down to either the shame that has been put around the conversations or it comes down to feeling unworthy of an orgasm.
Like do we just feel like we’re undeserving and unworthy of having a good time? We think that sex can’t be for us because we’re not allowed to do things for ourselves. Good sex is self-care. Maybe we need to reframe it and see it as that a lot of internal magic can happen.
Good sex is super important to a healthy marriage. Right. How often do you feel like your marriage is super strong when you guys aren’t doing it? You feel like there’s something wrong with one of you if you’re not doing it often enough, even though it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with either of you, it just means you’re not doing it enough.
But I know we put that kind of pressure on ourselves. I know we do that, I don’t know. I think it comes down to feelings of unworthiness, maybe it’s shyness, people pleasing. You feel like it’s just something for you to please the other person, and then you get resentful and don’t wanna do it because you think it’s for them.
Because if it’s for you, you’re not allowed to do it because. , you’re not allowed to do anything for yourself cuz you’re the mom and you’re supposed to be selfless. That’s sarcasm. If you can’t tell it in the tone, you, it is not selfish. You are not meant to be selfless.
You are meant to take care of yourself, just to make sure I’m not being misunderstood there. You do deserve to orgasm. You deserve to have fun. You deserve to have sex for you. , just to make that clear, and I’m mostly talking to myself. I’ll be honest. I am mostly talking to myself, but we have to stop making excuses. We do. So how do we stop making the excuses?
I think one excellent way to help overcome the excuses is to set a schedule. You don’t even have to tell your partner about the. And predetermined pre decide, this is one day of the week, or this is one, one, um, one pattern I’m gonna go with. Whether it’s, you know, like every Wednesday night I’m gonna initiate every Wednesday night.
I’m not gonna have an excuse. Or if it’s, you know, twice a week or just every other day, every, even, every, even. , I’m going to initiate, or I’m not gonna make an excuse. If he initiates, I will say yes no matter what. Which means during that day you take steps to avoid things like headaches and stomach upsets.
You know, be intentional by what you eat for dinner. Like we’re not gonna do chili on a night where I have vowed to not say no, that kind of thing. I think that’s one way to really. And the excuses is when you set aside one to multiple days a week where you refuse to make an excuse, you promise yourself you’re gonna say yes.
You know what if, I don’t know, we don’t need to go that far in detail. That’s fine. We’ll skip that. I was gonna say if he turns out to like ruin it for you, with bad attitude or something. No, we’ll go with. Pivoting. I was gonna say something else, but I’ll say this. If he’s kind of being a jerk to you, or you are interpreting him as a jerk and you no longer wanna do it, and you’re gonna use that as a valid excuse, fine.
Use it as a valid excuse for not having physical intimacy, but also use it as a reason to have emotional intimacy. Take a few moments before you guys go to sleep and stare in each other’s eyes. , you don’t even have to talk about how he made you feel or how you interpreted what you said. How you no longer like him because of how he behaved today.
Whatever. Like you don’t have to talk about it. If you wanna hold a grudge and be grumpy at him, fine, but stare him in the ice before bed. Hold his hand and just let that be a moment of connect. because you’ll probably change your mind.
Either you’ll wanna talk about it or you might just say, I’m done with excuses tonight. I was just looking for a way out. I’m not really mad. That’s just my 2 cents. We have to stop blocking our own joy, especially in this area of life that is really just for some reason so difficult to talk about.
I wish it wasn’t, but with today, I will leave it at this. Stop making excuses. You deserve to have fun. You deserve to have a good time. Look at it as self-care. All right? It’s not a chore. It’s not for him. It’s for you. Do it for you.
Hi, I’m Brittni, a mom who’s determined to share my light, wisdom, and joyfulness with every mom. My desire is that every woman knows she is worthy of ease and joy and finds the encouragement and motivation to pursue her best life possible.
I live in rural Oregon with my husband and 3 sons. I never dreamed of being a boy-mom, but now I can’t imagine life not surrounded by toy dinosaurs, race cars, and fart noises.
Let’s hang out
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