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20: Making Time for Intimacy in Your Marriage Without it Feeling Like a Chore with Amanda Ammons – Meant to Bloom
What’s the marker of a happy, healthy marriage? An active sex life.
In the beginning, we didn’t even have to TRY to make time for it, it just happened – all the time. Then work and kids and home care and life all start to happen around us and somehow this once incredible piece of our lives gets shoved in a closet.
Sex is the most amazing experience when it’s done right – not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. To become so vulnerable with your partner and let them exchange energy with you in such an intense way is powerful. But what happens when your mind and body are against you here? What do we do when intimacy becomes a chore or feels like a burden? How do we navigate these waters in our marriage?
That’s where Christian Marriage Sex-pert Amanda Ammons comes in and coaches you through your mindset and beliefs around sex, giving you practical tips to make it a priority again. In this episode of I Get To, we’re talking to Amanda about how to make sex happen in your marriage, how to schedule it and make it something to look forward to and how to reconnect when it’s feelings like another source of stress instead of stress-relief.
Links mentioned in the podcast:
- Instagram: www.instagram.com/amandaammons_
- Design Your Sex Life Freebie: https://www.amandaammons.com/email-opt-in-1
- Passions Connected: https://open.spotify.com/show/3mJslzIf89jSPF6g4iIhen
- One-on-one with Amanda: https://www.amandaammons.com/offers/ZVcoKRsJ/checkout
The Transcription:
Brittni: Hello, my friends today. I’m so excited to introduce you to Amanda Ammons. She’s here to talk to us today about scheduling intimacy into your marriage.
Amanda: Hi, thank you so much for having me on.
B: Do you wanna go ahead and tell us a little bit about yourself?
A: Yeah. Okay. So my name is Amanda Ammons, like you said, I host the Passion Connected podcast.
I’m a counselor to be, but my main heart, my target, passion is helping Christian women with their sex life. So anything ranging from engaged and married, whatever that looks like. I am super passionate about making sure that Christian women know that they can have a pleasurable, intimate, beautiful, amazing sex life.
It doesn’t have to be this drag thing that people make it out to be, or this complicated thing that people make it out to be. So, yeah, that is what I get to do for a living.
B: That’s so exciting and so needed too. Like when I first heard the podcast, I was like, oh my goodness. That’s the area that I feel like so many women need help, but it’s not being talked about enough. So yes, definitely that you just come right out and say it.
A: Thank you. Yeah, no shame.
B: Okay, so why is scheduling it in marriage important? And why can we not leave this up to chase?
A: Yeah, this was one of those things that I felt like I didn’t really expect from people when it first sort of came up. When I started my podcast, when I started my business, I started coaching and in my head scheduling sex just made complete sense. It was something that, to me, it felt like this is, this is how you go about it to have a healthy sex life. But my husband and I have a relationship where we are two very independent, very strong individuals.
And so it was one of those things where, you know, our time – our time is pretty booked. It’s pretty packed. We both have a lot going on and scheduling it, made it exciting, scheduling it, made it, something where we anticipated it, where it was like really, really sexy. And we planned it and it was like, okay, this is Us Time.
And I was really fascinated to find that most people actually weren’t that way, that it was something that they left up more to chance that. You know, they told me I just want it to be spontaneous. I think if it’s more spontaneous that it’s gonna be more exciting. But as I pushed more and more into it, I found that a lot of people were using that as an excuse that they wanted it to be exciting, but really when they were leaving it off of their schedule, when they were leaving it off of the calendar, They were finding that they weren’t having sex as frequently as they would’ve liked to when they actually, when one partner or the other initiated sex that, you know, one of them wasn’t ready or wasn’t really into it.
So they’d kind of push it off again. Or the other person was tired. and I really found it to be sort of this excuse more than it was this thing to make it, you know, fresh and exciting. And so I like to really flip that script and say: Scheduling it is one of the sexiest things you can do. This is showing you and your partner that you are prioritizing this intimate time in your life.
You’re not just leaving it up to chance. You’re saying I want you enough that I’m gonna actually block out time to, to get to know you, to have that intimate time with you. And so I’m huge about it. Huge. That’s one of the first things that I feel like I kind of help people jump into cuz I think scheduling it, it changes the game for everything.
B: Yeah, I, for one, like when we jumped in and got married, it was like, you didn’t need to schedule it. It was an every night occurrence at the beginning. And then like, you know, we’d start getting tired, start having kids, you know, we’re both working or well, I guess we were both working before I had kids and then I stayed home but it’s like, we’d start getting really tired from things. And it felt like we didn’t want to put it on the schedule because that felt like such an older person thing to do. And it felt like admitting defeat and like we’re not spontaneous and young anymore. We don’t want each other every night.
And it felt hard to admit that, but it’s like, if it’s not on a schedule, like a routine occurrence for me, I can go a really long time. It’s like the longer I go, the longer I can go. Cause I just forget how good it can be. I’m like, oh it wasn’t that good last time. Yeah, it was fine. We’ll wait till tomorrow. Maybe it could be better.
A: Yeah. Well, and what I’ve noticed is that the more people schedule it, the more spontaneous sex that they have. So if you schedule it as an, every other night thing, like more than likely, you’re gonna be looking forward to that thing and it’s gonna come back up and you’re gonna be like, no, it’s every night, or we’re gonna throw it here in, in our lunch break or in the morning or whatever we’re gonna be doing,and so it kind of, like you said, the longer you go without, the more, it’s easy to go without it. The more frequent that you make it, the more likely that you’re gonna want it, because that builds up those connections, the oxytocin, all of the hormones, where your body is like starting to crave it more and more and more excited.
And also when people think about scheduling sex, they think: drab, boring, just like limited time. But when I’m saying scheduling sex, I’m not just saying schedule 15 minutes to reach an orgasm and you guys are done and then you have cleanup. I’m saying. Schedule in foreplay time, schedule in make out time, schedule in talking time, just to see where each other is at and reconnect romantic time.
I’m not just saying schedule sex. Like when you schedule it, put it, make it a whole ordeal, make it something exciting. It doesn’t have to be like, like you said, like that old, like, oh, we have to, we’re not young anymore. No, this is young. You making it a priority is young, right.
B: Also, one thing that just came into my mind that I realized was kind of a weird belief that I didn’t realize I had is with scheduling it. It doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t do it more than when it’s scheduled.
A: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
B: Like for some reason it was in my head, like, well, it’s scheduled for Tuesday night, so why would we do it Monday night? Like, yeah. No, you can do it more than just when it’s scheduled. Like, we can have snacks before dinner.
A: Yes. Well, and scheduling it is gonna be different for every single person. Cuz some people are gonna look at it more as this like strict thing. Others are gonna look at it more fluid and also scheduling is different for everyone. It can look like you sitting down with your partner and saying, how often do we wanna have it?
When do we wanna schedule it into the month? Or it can look like you guys just deciding every morning that you’re gonna wake up and ask are we having sex tonight, just so that I’m prepared, and that can be scheduling sex. And that can be like, just making sure that you’re ready ahead of time that there’s this buildup of tension and hormones and all those sorts of things.
And on the flip side of what you’re saying, scheduling sex doesn’t mean you also have to have sex at that point in time. If you guys get there and you’re like, we scheduled, I would say, use that time to connect, to be a couple, to be romantic, to love each other, to touch each other, to all of those sorts of things.
But it doesn’t mean scheduling sex doesn’t mean we both have to orgasm at this point in time. Like it is simply scheduling in time that you know that we’re gonna have something special and intimate. That is something that only we have together.
B: Okay. Yeah. So this might be a curveball question, but I was just thinking, so when you’re sitting down talking about scheduling, what happens if both of you have very different frequency needs or wants?
A: Yes. Yes. Okay.
B: So how often should we schedule it? He’d be like every single night until I needed a break.
A: Yeah, definitely. So this is one of those things. I have the Design Your Sex Life, little mini workbook that I have for people. I’ll give you the link for that for you and your show notes and stuff. It helps walk you through what you think of sex and desire for sex emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, all of those sorts of things so that you know yourself, because what I would recommend if you guys are on two completely different pages is take some time yourself first to analyze what you.
Know what you desire before you have that conversation. Cuz a lot of times what will happen is you get into this conversation and the other of you is the more dominant partner or has the stronger opinions. And typically either they sort of push whether intentionally or not. And it kind of happens along with a stronger partner and the person who didn’t speak up as much or didn’t really already, pre-proces what they wanted, isn’t really getting their side of the story in.
Figure out, you guys’ own desires separately first and then come together. And really, truly sex is a come together sort of thing. And so this isn’t, there’s a lot of push in Christian circles and different religious circles that it’s like, just give the man whatever he wants, whether that’s less, whether that’s more, whatever that is.
And that is not what this is. It’s not give by their partner. It’s like just their own way. This is a come together sort of thing. And so you guys have to meet in the middle if he wants it every night and you want it every three, then do it every two . If he wants it, you know, whatever this frequently or that frequently find that middle ground, find what you are comfortable with.
Maybe it is you would like an orgasm, however, frequently, every four days. And, but you guys are okay with having sex every day. But you don’t necessarily have to get there every single time. It’s completely dependent on what you desire, what you guys want as a couple. And so you just have to make sure you know what you’re bringing to the table and, and be able to vouch for that and then decide how you guys are gonna be a unit.
B: Okay. Wow. That’s a lot of good advice right there.
Okay. Yeah, my brain’s still processing the whole…
A: Yeah, ready to take it and run with it.
B: Great. Oh yeah. Okay. All right. So I suppose the next question is, what about when it starts to feel like a chore? Because, okay, so maybe like when, you know, your partner wants it and has a good time every single time. And you feel like it just takes a lot of energy to show up and it’s feeling like a chore, but you also wanna be there for them. How do you try to have a good time? Like knowing that maybe you’re not gonna get there.
A: Yes. So I think there’s two things that I would recommend for this. Number one, it’s the way that you do sex. So, you should be having a good time. This shouldn’t feel like a chore. I’m really not a big person who’s like, “just say yes and do it just to make sure that the other person is pleased.” I don’t think that’s healthy for them. I don’t think it’s healthy for you. But what can you do to make it something that is pleasurable for you in some sort of way? So for example, there have been times in my life, where physically, I was like, I’m just not up for this.
I had either whatever ailments going on and things like that. And it was like, I just don’t have the energy. I really, really don’t. And so it was like, all right, we’re gonna kind of make a trade and you’re gonna give me a back massage. And then we’ll have like sex after that. So I kind of got something out of that and it made it more enjoyable.
Maybe the act of pleasing him or us having pleasure together, wasn’t quite as enjoyable as I would’ve liked, but it was less of that chore because there was something on my side of the table.
Another thing is bringing back the spark. So, if you guys are really to the point where it’s like every single time this is a chore, every single time you’re kind of dreading it.
Then this is where you guys need to take a little bit of a step back and reevaluate what sex is supposed to look like for you. What you’re desiring, what you want, where did that spark go? What does that look like?
I had a professor of mine recommend, if you got to that point, and this was just, it was a silly recommendation, but the point kind of stance in however you wanna say it, but he was like, see if you can make out for an entire movie without doing anything further.
And just like, just jumping into that, because he was like, when you’re young, you have those feelings that sort of pull that draw, and it’s more like how much can we push the boundaries and then you get to this point where it might feel like it’s just the same old, same old.
So take it back a bit. How can you spice it up? How can you say let’s make this something fresh. Let’s make this something new. It doesn’t have to be the same old, same old. I think a lot of people get into this thing where they have a routine they make out in this way. They stimulate in this way. They do the same exact position every single night, and then they’re done and it’s whatever.
Stop. That’s not how sex should be. It should be fun, exciting, pleasurable, enjoyable, intimate, all of these things. And so if you’re not having that again, just take a step back and figure out, how can we sort of build that back up again?
Make it a game, make it something new, add something fun. Whatever would be pleasurable to us in that moment. So yeah, those would be my two recommendations.
B: That is good stuff. Like mind-blowing advice. Thank you for sharing all of that with us. So definitely, my listeners, if you’ve enjoyed having Amanda on and talking about these kinds of conversations, you’ve gotta listen to her podcast Passions Connected.
It will definitely help you in this area of your marriage, which, I mean, in my opinion, if that area of your marriage is going well, I mean, everything else is too. Cause, I can’t have a happy sex life with my husband,if there’s another area of our marriage, that’s not working.
A: It is a telltale sign if you’re not having good sex.
B: Yeah. All right. So Amanda, where shall we send the listeners to find more other than your podcast in the freebie linked below?
A: Yeah. So the podcast, the Design Your Sex Life Workbook, and then I love just connecting on Instagram. So message me directly personally. I would love to help answer any questions.
I really like doing a lot of one-on-one work too. So I’ll give you the link to that.
B: Great. Thank you.
A: Yeah. Thank you.
Here’s those links again:
- Instagram: www.instagram.com/amandaammons_
- Design Your Sex Life Freebie: https://www.amandaammons.com/email-opt-in-1
- Passions Connected: https://open.spotify.com/show/3mJslzIf89jSPF6g4iIhen
- One-on-one with Amanda: https://www.amandaammons.com/offers/ZVcoKRsJ/checkout
Brittni Clarkson 