2020 was a tough year (to say it politely), but in this book you’ll find that we didn’t let it stop us from building meaningful businesses. For me, it wasn’t just about building a business, it was about building a life I was excited to participate in. 2020 almost ended me, literally, as you’ll read in my chapter of the book. I’m thankful for it though. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today, if I hasn’t experienced the pain and worthlessness of my past.
In Uncovered, I get as vulnerable as I can. I’m sharing the day I almost ended my life, the details of the inner workings of my mind as I contemplated leaving my family behind and ending my own life. This is the story of how a hurting, heart broken, mentally ill woman chose a new path and created a new life for herself.
96: Getting Uncovered, Finding Purpose, Pursuing Life! – Meant to Bloom: personal growth for hot mess moms
I knew something had to give. I needed to change my entire life to keep from ever feeling this way again. Now that escape wasn’t an option, I knew I had to learn to endure – but I didn’t just want to survive, I needed to thrive, to flourish, to bloom. Friend, you are called to bloom too!
I learned to overcome that negative voice in my head that was always telling me I wasn’t enough, that I couldn’t do it. I silenced that voice and replaced it with a voice of truth, one that said I was more than enough, that I’m a hard worker, that I’m strong and resilient. I started to listen to the voice that said I am meant to bloom.
I started to meditate and listen for the voice of God to guide me. I started to trust in my intuition and resist the urge to believe that I’m bad at making decisions. I started to feel confident and important. Not because I am anything special, but because my message is.
Uncovered: Ordinary Women Building Extraordinary Businesses in 2021 & Beyond
I entertained the idea of ending it all at that very moment. The scene was as poetically perfect as it could be. I’ve always loved the rain, and that forest held a special place in my heart. What a way to go, I thought.
This wasn’t the first time I’d ever thought of ending my life, but it was the most important time, it was the last time. You see, I made a very important realization there in the rainy woods. I’d thought of suicide many times before, but I had never once made a decision about it. The idea would come in the midst of a depressive disorder and my decision anxiety would kick in and keep me from making that unchangeable decision.
Most days I struggle to decide what to make for dinner, of course, I never made a decision so life-altering (or ending). I’d always postpone the decision and would come out of the depressive episode without giving it another thought. This was the day I made the decision, once and for all.
As I kept on my walk in that fresh air, mind working out all the kinks of making such a choice, I contemplated what it would mean. I had to weigh my options carefully. Who would raise my children while my husband was at work? How would my husband feel when he found me? What if one of my children found me? Would I leave a note behind?
All these questions swimming in my head, I was balancing them against how overwhelming the idea of carrying on with life as I knew it was. How could I continue to raise these kids who I was sure I was screwing up already? How could I keep going?
These questions were all silenced in one moment. My mind finally went quiet as I stopped and looked at the trail in front of me where a dead Steller’s Jay was in my path. The Steller’s Jay is my favorite animal, a lifelong friend, a bird that’s always lived in these trees that surrounded me. This dead bird was not beautiful, the stomach was open and maggots crawled all over it. I heard a voice speaking to my soul: This is what death looks like. This is not poetic. This is gruesome and ugly and it’s not meant for you – not like this.
Uncovered: Ordinary Women Building Extraordinary Businesses in 2021 & Beyond
In a way, I did die that day. My old self expired. I was made new. It was all the feelings I had hoped to get from the baptism when I was 13 years old. God spoke life into me. Suddenly I had a purpose, and that was only the beginning. Meant to Bloom was born that day.
I’m glad the old me died. I’m also grateful to have been her. If I hadn’t been her then, I wouldn’t be me now. Hello, I’m Brittni Clarkson, and I’m happy to be alive.
If you’re having suicidal thoughts, please seek help immediately by calling 800-273-8255
