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I’ve heard too many women bad mouthing their husbands behind their backs. I’ve heard even more women nagging and verbally assaulting their husbands to their faces (I’m one of them, oops). I recorded this conversation with my friend, Kate, last year and I have to admit, it was helpful to revisit some of the wisdom in this chat.

Being mindful in your marriage of how you’re talking to yourself and to your spouse is one of the most important things you can do. Pay attention to what your triggers are and why you’re really getting upset – is it really this other person that’s upsetting you? Or is it really you, that’s upsetting you?

Today I’d like to share with you a live interview I did on my Instagram page last year with Kaitlyn Jones. Kate is a multi passionate woman who I see as a  professional encourager and part time comedian, she’s a soon to be published fantasy writer of the Eldin Series, a crafter, and a great friend. You can get in touch with Kate on Instagram at @Kates_Encouragement and I’ll link that in the description.

A Biblical Chat About Modern Marriage

Brittni: Hey friend, today I’d like to share with you a live interview I did on my Instagram page last year with Kaitlyn Jones. Kate is a multi passionate woman who I see as a  professional encourager and part time comedian, she’s a soon to be published fantasy writer of the Eldin Series, a crafter, and a great friend. You can get in touch with Kate on Instagram at @Kates_Encouragement and I’ll link that in the description.

The recording got cut off just a little bit. I asked her the question: in today’s society, with our view of men and husbands, why does it seem to be acceptable for women to trash talk their husbands behind their backs? What are your thoughts on that? 

Kate: I don’t think it’s okay to be disrespectful to anybody. Like there’s, you have no right to be disrespectful in any circumstance, but especially when it comes to marriage, because for me, with my biblical point of view of marriage, like God holds marriage to such a high standard that like there should, you shouldn’t purposely do something to break that, especially tearing down your husband in such a way. And especially if you think about it, if you’re tearing him down because of certain reasons, like you have kind of legit reasons, it’s not going to get better by you tearing him down. So like you’re only hurting the situation more. 

B: Right. Like the way we talk about our husbands, if we’re talking from the biblical standpoint and we are one flesh, talking bad about your husband is really like talking bad about yourself as well. And I think that’s maybe why we get so like, okay, as a society with trash talking, our husbands, because we’re so close to them and we’re so okay with talking so bad about ourselves at the same. Things we would never say about our best friend will say about ourself and we will say about our husband. Maybe it is part of the closeness, why the, you know, the trash talk and all that kind of starts the husband shaming . 

K: Yeah. I do feel kind of compassionate to these people because I mean, there might be a lot of things going on. Like everybody’s marriage is complex, right?

Because people are complex, especially between the two sexes. So, my encouragement if it’s so hard to see the light in the situation is counseling. And for me personally, I have, well we did have premarital counseling. But counseling in general is a super helpful tool for yourself, and the only person that you can change is yourself.

And that also in return affects the people around you, especially your husband. Your husband’s going to tell something is different, I think I like this. 

B:Yeah. That was the other thought that was kind of in my head was how often we get upset with other people when we get really triggered by someone else’s actions. I can’t remember like what scientific studies it came out in, there was like a whole psychological school of thought on it that, that it is your own internal insecurities being reflected. So like we get most triggered by our husband’s actions when it’s something we’re actually struggling with that we refuse to confront is a problem for us.

Whenever you get angry at anybody, it’s typically about you, not about them. And if you fix, fix what’s inside you that you keep ignoring and shoving down, and you come to either accept that in yourself or to make adjustments to you know, react differently than you’ve been reacting or whatever it is, then you’re no longer as triggered when someone else has that reaction because you have a new level of understanding where you see it and you don’t think like, oh my gosh, they’re so mean for yelling. You think they must have been really hurt if they’re gonna yell at this person right now. Like that type of thing.

K: Right.

B: And so when I started doing inner work on myself, which was with therapy and things like that, and just like journaling through like the deepest kind of struggles of my own emotions, that was like the single best thing I’ve ever done for my marriage. Just working on myself first.

K: Yeah. 

B: Cause then I was able to accept him as a human and love him where he is instead of picking apart every little thing about, because that’s the best way to drive a wedge through a marriage is just picking apart all the little things that don’t actually matter. 

K: Yeah. And that’s something huge like, okay, so I guess we should lay out like who’s talking. So I have been married since May of 2020, so I haven’t quite reached the 2 year mark. and I don’t have any kids.

But I can tell you from the little bit of time that I’ve been married like that, before you’re married, you might not notice a ton of things that he, your spouse does. That’s really, really aggravating because you don’t live together. Well, I mean to, that’s marriage and, I could tell you that there’s been a lot of things and I’m like, I’m just like my mom. 

Like just little things that aggravate me that I remember my mom being aggravated with. 

B: Like can’t you just put the socks in the hamper for yourself?

K: It really isn’t a big deal. So you learn a lot within the first year or two of marriage, like these little nuances. I really just don’t matter and you just need to just take a deep breath. You realize it’s not right. 

B: Yes. And so I’ve been married for seven years. We have three kids, all five, and. . So yeah, I definitely remember the learning curve of moving in together and like splitting household chores and like getting used to sleep patterns and yeah, all that. And then you have kids and then everything changes again, because as the mom, like all of your habits and like all of your intentions completely shift.

And then he’s just like, but I don’t understand why things are different. Because it didn’t change him like biologically going through pregnancy and having all the maternal shifts like, yeah, I wake up at 2:00 AM whether the baby wakes up or not. Cause that’s what I’m used to. Like . I hear things that other humans can’t hear anymore.

As a mom of a newborn, you get like those superhuman senses and then it’s really easy to get frustrated with him for not even waking up when a baby cries

K: Right. Yeah. 

B: So I mean, yeah, I think it just keeps going. Like that is every new stage of life. It’s just, you gotta relearn. Everybody’s always changing. And you know, people pick up new habits along the way too, that can feel annoying when you know it’s not your habit. 

K: Yeah. And that’s something that change does to anybody whether you’re married or not. Like yeah, change really rocks your world, whether for the good or the bad.

I mean, even if it is bad, like you can always learn from it. And that’s the really beautiful thing about marriage for me that I think of is you get to go through with this man or with this woman. Like depending on the perspective you’re looking at with your spouse and like regardless of the changes, whether you’re moving or you have kids or you like all the things that can happen in your life, life is messy and life is unpredictable, you still have your spouse to look to, to help you along the way, and I think that’s pretty cool. It’s like having your best friend for life.

B: Yeah. Yeah. I think as a society, we lose that perspective of like, your husband is like your forever companion and you get to do life together.

It’s not an added obstacle. And I think, you know, I mean, if we had that perspective, going into marriage that, you know, husbands are lousy and you know, we’re just gonna think about all the bad parts about ’em, then no one would get married.

K: Yeah. And even if they did, like, I don’t expect it to be successful with that kind of mentality.

B: Right? It’s like, yeah. Yeah. 

K: That perspective is definitely is huge. Not just in marriage, but, it helps your overall attitude, how you react to situations and whatnot. Yeah, what’s that other point that we had on there? 

B: I’m looking at a comment from Lacey. Thanks. I think there is a difference in talking crap about your partner, about the small things versus speaking genuine support or advice from an appropriate mentor during a troubling time.

Yes, absolutely, when I think about trash-talking to my husband, I think like when you’re just like out with the girls or like having coffee and you all just start like that little like, oh, your husband’s bad. Like, listen to what my husband did. Yeah. Where it’s like it’s not helping anybody to have a group of women all complaining about their husbands.

Right. Even though it seems like that can be so harmless. Like even if just one of those women internalizes these things and starts to like, starts to build on that. If you have those small noises, you shouldn’t ignore them. We just shouldn’t be like, gossiping about it because gossiping doesn’t help bringing it to the person. Definitely does or should, if there’s mutual respect, right? 

K: Yeah. Lacey, you are making good points. I would be hurt too if I found out my husband was talking bad about me. I would be heartbroken, man. Right. And I just couldn’t handle it, I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Lacey had mentioned was, if there is something going on in your marriage that you honestly don’t know how to approach, I mean, marriage is a learning process, and if there is something of genuine concern, definitely seek out somebody who has been there and done that. That is a wise counsel. It doesn’t have to be a counselor, but like, I’ve got people in my life from church or that I’ve just known, that I would definitely go to, to ask questions like, what would you do in this situation?

B: So another point we were wanting to discuss was about the honeymoon having to end. 

K: Oh yeah, man, when I was getting married, and I hate the comments of like, waiting until the honeymoon-phase is over, your eyes will be opened. And I’m like, okay. So first off, uh, I try to be as level headed as possible as a person.

I am emotional so that can be difficult sometimes, but when it comes to people, I know people are flawed. Like I knew before getting into marriage that Jordan was not perfect though. Like infatuation? Yes. Like I thought he was amazing and I still think he’s an amazing man. To put the thought of the honeymoon phase has to end, I don’t like that. Like then what you’re saying there is like you no longer have fun after a certain period of time. 

B: Right? It’s like, yes, the honeymoon has to end because that’s a phase, but why are people always insinuating that everything sucks after that? 

K: Yeah. 

B: Why does it have to be bad when the honeymoon phase is over?

Can’t that be. Where the fun really starts when you guys have fully met each other. Like you have lived together a year or so and now you know, like each other’s patterns and habits and like you’ve learned each other’s hearts at such a deeper level.

K: And I feel like that would be even more, not only interesting, More enjoyable when you’ve reached that point when like, whenever you hear some of these, this old couple who’s been married for like 60 years and it’s just like, man, that’s just so cool.

Cause like some couples, I won’t say some couples who really invested in their marriage, uh, like, it’s just so cute and I’m like, oh, I wanna be like that.

B: Right? Oh yeah, absolutely. I think if we just looked at every phase more as a time of learning, you know, you’re building the marriage, you, the honeymoon phase is just like the first block on a 60 year marriage.

K: Lacey made a comment again, different phases are special in their own space, and that’s definitely true. And in God’s word it says like there is a time and season for everything. So you aren’t always going to be happy and joyful, beautiful rainbows and unicorns. Right? That won’t be like that.

But like I mentioned before, the thought of being able to go through all of those seasons with this one man or with this one woman is great, right? Like you don’t have to go through this alone, which is a big theme in the Bible. Like we are met for relations, so.

B: I think sometimes when we start getting irritated in the marriage, it’s that we forget like, yeah, marriage isn’t sunshine and rainbows all the time, but also if you were all by yourself, it wouldn’t be sunshine and rainbows all the time either.

Right? And I think we forget that and we start to like take the things that would be hurting if we were on our own and we just putting them where they don’t belong and being like, I’m hurting right now because you won’t put the socks in the hamper instead of like, I’m hurting right now because this deep pain that’s been eating away at me for years and I’ve just never resolved it.

Like, just misplacing the negative negativity. But yeah, I mean, the enemy loves to destroy marriage. And I have recently started seeing like every time I’m mad at my husband for something and then, you know, we always have this habit of if we get mad at each other, we just like give each other space for a few minutes and then everything is usually totally fine.

Cuz we get mad about dumb stuff that doesn’t really need resolved. It’s like, why do you leave a sink on the counter again? That kind of thing. So like when I’m rage cleaning the kitchen, I have all this time to myself to think and I always just immediately forget why I’m mad at him. And then recently I’ve just been thinking like this, everything is going really great in life.

Why is this dumb little thing causing a hiccup in one of the like most important pieces of my life right now? Like having a strong marriage is important to raise my strong children. I don’t wanna be a single mom, so why am I so, so mad at this little thing that wouldn’t cause me to leave my husband?

And I’m realizing it’s like, it’s an, it’s a spiritual warfare kind of an attack happening on me. And like, this wasn’t this, this isn’t something that me and him are actually like mad about, but it’s causing such a stir. And I can just feel the negative energy around. And it’s like, this isn’t, this isn’t us fighting each other, right?

It’s us together fighting the enemy. So now I’m gonna go overboard and apologize and like just, you know, love my husband the way the enemy doesn’t want me to.

K: Right? And that’s a huge thing to keep in mind, like you said, like it is, it’s not always just about your husband or things that trigger you, like it’s, it can also be a spiritual warfare kind of thing, because that’s real

And definitely have to be in prayer for that protection. You don’t want that kind of thing to raise its head and cause even more trouble than what it should. Oh yeah.

B: So the last point I have written down was my note from the Sherlock Gnomes movie that I was telling you about. So for anyone who’s never seen Sherlock, There’s this part, like the garden is in trouble and Gnomeo and Juliet have to like to protect it, but it’s also their anniversary and Gnomeo is going out of his way to try to get this flower for Juliet.

And Juliet is just not giving him the time of day. She’s completely laser focused on saving the garden, and there’s one point where she just turns to him and she says, “the garden can’t wait. You can.”  

And you just watch him be heartbroken. And I thought to myself watching this for like the millionth time with my kids and I’m just like, how many times have I done that to my husband?

Like totally put something else priority over him instead of coming alongside him and going through it together. 

K: Yeah, and especially in that situation that they were personifying in the movie. Like, that would, that just breaks my heart. Like he’s trying his best to please her and show how much he loves her, you know, and just to blow him off like that heart right.

Yeah, but I mean as far as real life circumstances, cause we’re people with not gnomes, we can, easily do that; like it could be work, it could be kids, it could be like whatever that is taking precedence over your marriage, it can really damage it if you continue to prioritize in a way that’s unhealthy.

You definitely have to keep that in mind and it’s really easy to do that. 

B: Yeah. Right. I mean, yeah, there’s definitely seasons where you need to allocate more time for, you know, work or something around the house or the kids. Yeah. But we can do that in a more respectful way than getting really stressed out about the thing we’re trying to prioritize and then just shutting him down and shutting him out.

You know, cuz then you’re actually, you know, instead of just putting your marriage on the back burner, you’re just like burning it. You’re causing a new problem to deal with later with the emotions that are gonna stir up having put that divide in there saying like, I just don’t have time for you.

Instead of saying, I need to focus on this. Maybe you can help me. 

K: Like, forgive me, but like that phrase right there, like, I don’t have time for you. Like, can you imagine going to bed with that person after that? Like, like that’d be so, that’s just, right.

B: I mean, . Yeah. I think a lot of times though, when we say it, we’re not actually like using the phrase. I don’t have time for You we’re saying it more in our actions, Or like, we’re not meaning to say it, but that’s what they’re hearing.

K: That’s true. That’s true. So in those seasons where you do need to set aside more time towards something, Again, we’re doing life together. So talk about it with your husband. Like, look, I really need to do this, and it would be very helpful if you could do X, Y, and Z.

Do this or to like, help you out, and whatnot, right? So don’t try to be a lone ranger in trying to accomplish a goal or whatever it may be, right? 

B: And also men are not mind readers. If it would be very helpful for them to do something, we have to lay it out for them and let them know, like, if I’m doing this right now, I really, really need your help doing this exact thing at this exact time.

That would be helpful to me instead of just getting irritated that they didn’t do what you wish they’d done, but never asked. Or never. Or sometimes we say something in passing and think in our heads, like we ask them to do that. But actually that’s not how communication works between like the man and the woman.

And he needs you to look him in the eyes and be like, I need this done. This isn’t a, like, would be nice if you do it like, I need you to do this for me.

K: Yes. And I don’t know if the Lord made a or if this like is a part of our sin nature. I don’t know which is which in this instance, but that is the most common thing I hear from most women.

And no matter how long they’ve been married, it’s like, all right, men don’t read months. Okay? You guys tell him, lay it out. Don’t be vague. Don’t be passive aggressive or whatever. Right. Cause he’s got, he’s gonna have no idea that you’re actually asking him to do something unless you just lay it out.

B: Yeah, absolutely. 

K: But it really, I know I’m generalizing, but in this situation we both agree. Like it’s kinda aggravating that we have to do that –

B: that we have to learn how to be a better people. That’s really like the biggest annoyance in my life.

K: One of the biggest things in marriage is communication. And learning that ahead of time that you have to be direct with him is more helpful than an aggravation. If you really look at it like, alright, I know how I need to communicate to him. But for some reason, like, especially for me, it’s just like, why do I have to tell you this? 

B: Right. Yeah. I think our biggest struggle with that has been like trying to get a really good bedtime routine for the boys.

Cuz I always dreamed that my husband would be putting them to bed, you know, I spent all day with them. My dream was that he would come home and put them through bath time and all that while I, you know, can clean the kitchen or have a break. 

K: Yeah. 

B: But what I never anticipated was that he’d have to come home from work and then have to like work another hour or two, and then have to do all the chores that I won’t do, like taking the trash all the way out to the curb. 

K: Yeah. 

B: Which, I mean, we have like maybe a quarter mile long driveway. I’m not gonna take the trash that far. He can do it, but I’d find that I’m upstairs giving the kids a bath while he’s finishing up work and he’s taking out the trash or emptying the litter box.

And I’m just like up there getting mad that I’m giving the kids a bath by myself. And then I sit there and think like, well, did I plan this well? Could, could I have like, Asked him to finish his work before he even like came in the house and had dinner, or could I have given the kids a bath earlier instead of waiting until like an hour past their bedtime to start where I have to do it by myself, or they stay up until 1230.

I’ve started thinking about it as I’m getting angry. Started like questioning like, well, what could I have done differently to not put myself in this situation where he’s finishing up work or doing some household chore and I’m up here getting mad, giving my kids a bath and he has no idea that like, I didn’t wanna give them a bath.

Yeah. And it’s a really good thing to think about too, cuz you might even solve your own problem by reflecting on like, alright, I could have just done it differently, you know.

B: Or like, I save folding laundry for bedtime. Because I wash it downstairs and I take it upstairs and put it in my room and then I sort and fold it. Ideally I do the laundry, folding it when my husband’s reading a book to the kids. But some nights he is still getting some work done and I have to do it all myself. So I have to put off folding laundry. And then I have to question like, well, maybe I could have folded laundry in the middle of the day.

There’s no rule that says I’m not allowed to go upstairs during the day. 

K: And all in all, like even with things like that, because for me, I would get really frustrated if I, if I continually had to be put in those situations. So for me, a reminder of like, it’s not the end of the world if I don’t hold the laundry. It’s okay if there’s a mess. It’s okay. Like there’s so many expectations, like everybody has their own expectations, but there tends to be a lot on that list that we expect to either get done, or things and you go to bed, you’re like, dang it. It’s not what I wanted.

But it’s just if you wake up in the morning, then the Lord is giving you another day to live.

Be grateful for that.

B: And another day to finish up yesterday’s to-do list. He knew you needed another day.

K: Allow yourself grace. That’s something big. 

B: Yes. I’ve been really working on letting go of stress lately. I can always feel the urge rising up, especially with the holidays and I’m trying to like not do all the things and I’m trying to enjoy the moments.

You can get in touch with Kate on Instagram @kates_encouragement